Grandma died last night

I have to be careful with a post like this. This is the kind of stuff you write down and put in a drawer or throw away. Today it is a post.

I found out this morning that my grandmother died last night. She has been in bad shape both physically and mentally for a few years now, and this was expected.  I am not finding myself as shaken up by this as I expected (at least not yet).  I do not live in Tampa and haven't been one of the people visiting her regularly. I am sure that people that have been with her more have a much different perspective than I. The last few times that I visited her I felt like she wasn't there - that she didn't exist nearly as she did. I felt that good-byes needed to be said before this and have been feeling neglectful in not having taken the time to spend memorable moments when she could have enjoyed them.

Right now things are weird with the family. I have been expecting information about when and where people are going to meet for a memorial service.  All I have heard back is that there may not be one. She requested no services.  I don't really believe that is what she would have wanted, and memorials are more for those living than the deceased. A way for people to show each other that they are not alone with their feelings. I am not the best for those types of things, I will admit. I don't believe in an afterlife. I don't believe in a better place. I believe that when people die, they no longer exist except as the elements that they are made of. This makes death more scary and makes me not the best shoulder to lean on. I do like to remember though, and I do like to celebrate people (alive or dead), and I think she deserves some celebration.  It is true that these things can also bring up pain and anger, and that is important to get out and it is important for everyone to know each others' stories.  It is all of this that makes up who we are. I would really like to have that time.

My cousin posted this photo on facebook today, as a sort of remembrance.  In this photo (from what I can remember): First is Jerry- When I was about thirteen, I found out that he molested my sister when she was young. I found out because she wrote it in a note when she ran away from home. I didn't know what to do with that information (just a kid). I hate him for this, but have never seen him again. Next is Terry- I remember her being sweet, but she moved away long ago. Next is my grandmother- I used to stay at her house for the weekends and go to church. We were closest then, and that is the time I miss most with her. Behind her Donald- He seemed a bit sketchy and I think eventually he got pretty into drugs. His dad was hard to be around and I remember my grandfather hitting him in the head with a frying pan. Next are April and Kenny- they live in Georgia now and I don't see them much. They used to live next door, and I saw them every day. They were always a great example of maturing. I have always liked them.  Behind them is Deb- she is my cousin, but we don't know each other very well. She was pretty close with my sister in junior high school times. We weren't so close though. Next to her is Tommy- the last time I saw him, I remember him saying something about punching a guy at the gym for hitting on him (world's most awkward moment). Next is Tom and Jean- back then we spent a good amount of time together and somehow it all fell apart. I don't really understand that. Back then, I was in my own little world but now I look back and wonder about that. Next is my uncle Kim- he was my best friend for a few years. I owe him a lot for being there for me. He died a few years ago. Next is my sister- At this time we were pretty close. Then we sort of stopped being able to relate to one another. Just before she died (suicide), we were starting to get close again. I wish I could have been there for her more. Next is Lori- I don't remember her very well. Bottom row from the left: I don't remember the first guy. I think his name is Daryl and I think he was dating Melanie (the next person) but I could have that all wrong. The last thing I remember about Melanie was that she was in the armed forces and had returned home from somewhere in Europe and was showing videos of her stay there. Then there is Charlotte and her daughter. They seemed alright. Then it is Cindy (Jerry's wife)- I don't remember her very well either. Next is my dad. I think he was happier back then. We have a very hard time communicating these days (this day). Last is my cousin Erin. She posted the photo. We never really hung out. I saw her recently and our kids got along really well. She seems very nice and I wish there wasn't so much empty past between us (years and years without speaking). I am the kid in the middle. I don't know why my mom wasn't in the photo. Maybe she took the shot.

I will miss my grandmother. I wish we (family) could get together and talk about that.